Like every year, I wanted to summarise everything that happened in 2018, but well 2 months into 2019 I couldn’t finish my review. Maybe it’s too boring a year to tell, or too complicated, the more I go into details, the more layers there are to reveal, which is probably worse. But one thing for sure, it was a year of pain and gain.
At first, I meant it to be a quiet one. I removed myself from everything and everyone in order to heal, desperate to put down all the burdens on my shoulders. They were too heavy for me to continue. By the time we finished school, I was at the very end of my limits, stretching myself too thin and wide, running back and forth like a frantic bunny to do everything and please everyone for too long. So in April I went away, planning to be absent for a month or two, like before, and would probably come back after my 32 birthday. But I didn’t. The solitude that I craved proved be so pleasant that I didn’t look back. Finally I could have time to sit down and breathe, take care of my mental and physical health, and go back to my inner world.
God didn’t let me enjoy the tranquility for long. He had another plan up his sleeve. Before I realised, I was thrown into the middle of a chaos I hadn’t signed up for. September was the month when my eyes are swollen from tears. My mind was clouded and all the logics of self-love and self-confidence were out of the window. There it was one night in middle October, startled in a nightmare, I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I burst into tears and thought, I couldn’t go on anymore. Under tremendeous stress, I became a crazy little elusive person, fighting, against others and myself, trying to figure out why and how I ended up in this mess. And it’d started oh so well, with much hope and trust… In the effort to get a grip of the situation, I began my baby steps in the journey of psychology and philosophy. I’ve turned my own self to the guinea pig of the experiments of self-therapy, from reparenting, inner child therapy to Carl Jung’s ideas and theories on personalities, from MBTI to Enneagram. I just need to know how my mind and heart work in order to save myself from all the drama, to develop self-understanding and self-acceptance. It’s devastating to look fair and square at all the scars, the trauma, the ugly memories, the insecurities with the acute knowledge of my own limitations and feebleness. But I know, if I’m not brave enough to dig deep into the buried ugly pain, I’ll have to continue carrying it around my neck for the rest of my life.
I’ve always been lonely, and alone. Never fitted anywhere, never belonged anywhere. I never accepted myself as a whole, for I’ve never been accepted and loved, fully, as I am, as fierce, intense and wild as also soft, warm and tempered. The more I tried, the more I felt left out, the harder I am on myself. The fear of not being enough, of not being enough to be ‘enough’ dangling before my eyes. To this day, the struggle is real and on-going, but at least the pain has been lessened and I’ve started to stand up again, to keep my integrity, to live my own truth, with love and courage.
2019, I hope, will be a year of flow and of resilience, of healing and of being, of accepting and of letting go. This year will be the year where I bloom, gorgeously, imperfectly, into myself.
BEST OF 2018
2018 at its best was also the year of small discoveries.
- Develop evening rituals
- Sunday me time
- Understanding of MBTI & Enneagram
- Et tout le monde s’en fou (and Noone gives it a damn): hilariously funny, entertaining and super informative
- Sueddu: calm, serene, almost like a dream
- The Academy of Ideas: a deeper, much more philosophical version of the School of Life
- Quora: Oh My God, why on earth didn’t I have the least idea of Quora before? Was I under living under a rock or what?
- Reddit: Started, seems quite interesting, but at the same time very much like an updated version of forums
- Wait but why: a blog that takes so much time to read but once you’ve started reading, it’ll blow your mind
- The Shallows (Nicholas G. Carr): The book that brought me back to track, back to reading and living, the book that made me actually take notes in my journal, cite quotes and take photos of important passages.
- Snow country (Yasunari Kawabata): one word – beautiful
- Buidling home collection – SoulSpace, Living a Beautiful Life, Shelter for the Spirit: My ultimate 3 to make a “home sweet home”
- Shoplifters: profoundly moving and thought provoking, questions your own concept of what a family should be
- April Story: slow, gentle and sweet, a love story that was prized the best Japanese romantic movie.
- Prison Playbook: makes you laugh and cry, and think and hope. You just have to watch it.
- Story of Yanxi Palace: well, what more can I say about this wave that swept Asia by its feet?
- Go Class
- Popup 3D Workshop
- Matcha set: Bowl, whisk and scoop
- Electric Heated Mattress Pad
This year, instead of being vague and general, I’ve decided to go for something much measurable and quantitative, for a change.
- 2 books each month
- 2 blog posts each month
- Aikido course
- Ikebana course
- Walk home from work every day
- Meditate every day
- Achieve all financial goals