What can happen in a year?
Each and every year has never been a string of boring beads for me, especially after high school. Each one struck me with its own marvelous wonders and heart-breaking griefs. Always a lot of ups and downs and small cute surprises in between. My life flourishes in a way an organic body can be, the way it absorbs, digests, develops and decays, and just continually grows.
2013 has passed and it was a hard one. I’m not going to lie that it’s just all about sadness and failures. But never before had I encountered so many external incidents. 1 year and 4 countries. Cancelled a lot of travelling plans to stay in the city of my dreams. Lost a lot of people and things, and faith and hope and can never look back. Went to hospital back and forth, back and forth. Gave up several dreams to pursue a new one – the one that makes me deeply blessed and tremendously happy.
It was all about changes. Just like 5 years ago when I had freshly graduated and was thrown into life with harsh realities. Swimming through the waves makes me feel exhausted sometimes. The uncertainty and peer pressure, the yearning for a stable life after 2 years of moving around and the passion to live differently and truly happily, the old and the new, the childish and womanly me. All the dilemmas at once brought about challenging confusion and there were times when it took heaps of strength to get out of bed and keep on going.
Choosing a way to survive is never easy.
But deep down inside I knew I’d make it somehow. I won’t compromise with loss and disappointment nor let them drag me down into mud. I’ll be sad and vulnerable still, but I’ll bleed better this year.
So this year, I made a promise to myself to:
- Follow my dream. Fantasise about it. Realise it. Make time for it. Take little steps each day. When self-doubts are eloquent and the urge to give up is huge, don’t! Remind myself of why I have taken this path in the first place and how far I’ve come.
- Embrace myself. A shell holding together broken debris, with traces of scars at two ends of the lips, small and plain and burnt with a boiling heart. That’s ok, that’s enough. Protect the little girl inside and never ever let someone hurt her again.
- Be kind with my body. Treat it with respect. Get to know all the little spaces between fingers and toes, shoulders and neck, inner parts of knees and elbows. Take a long warm shower with luxurious body wash, make every nook and cranny clean, lather the whole body with beautifully-scented moisturiser. Put on a facial mask and lay down with my favourite music playing. Drink a lot of water and green tea. Stretch and move to the music like dancing. Keep hands and lips soft, eyes hydrated and smile bright.
- Write a diary. Find a nice diary with a fine black pen and start to refine my hand writing and thoughts. Note down every details that matters, nothing is too small.
- Buy the best basics. Keep everything simple and elegant, with a classy touch. Wear them frequently and don’t wait for a ball that may never come. Stay close to the basic shades: white, black, beige, navy blue, with occasionally bold details in red, orange, burgundy, khaki and a healthy dose of greens.
- Be wise with money. Save a bit for the departure. Create a tiny little line of craft.
- Always help someone when I can. “You might be the only one that does.”
- Be patient. Don’t rush. Things need time. Meanwhile get myself prepared for it and cherish the process.
And the motto for the year:
“Attract what you expect,
Reflect what you desire,
Become what you respect,
Mirror what you admire.”
And firmly believe that life will work things out in the end.